confession
When I was three, I accidentally drank paint-thinner. This was early onset asphyxiation of my brain, which I attribute to the cause of my autism.
Cannabis blunts naturally occurring anxiety.
I had never been able to properly socialize. Finding cannabis in my young adulthood suppressed the paralyzing social anxiety. I came across the herb when I went to a nightclub to dance one night and suddenly I found myself opening up and finding friends with its use.
From that point on, my innate proximity to God became corrupted.
I turned to sorcery and I was fueled by the panacea of cannabis and hallucinogenic drugs for seven years. I invited demons into my life using Goetia and I surrounded myself with the worst kinds friends ~ those in misery's company. I found myself suddenly of the world and enslaved by the Master of Illusions. I formulated a cult of Pharmakos and it became my method of survival in the modern economy of the Anti-Christ.
I hired a lawyer to take on my recent assault cases ~ moments of psychosis which led to me shouting down God. My will had led to me to a place of powerlessness and in anger, I came to attacking anyone who came close. In court today, the prosecution recognized my dedication to wellness via medication and therapy and it seems as if my appeal to probation will be upheld.
Yet another "get out of jail" card for this knave of a Fox.
I've never felt human. What is the difference between a fursona and a totem - a false idol? Have my angels been demons in disguise? I have never felt like a human man.
A while ago, I quit my will. I stopped the cannabis and took the medications. The anxiety settled in. I tried several times to end my life. I gathered up a cinderblock and a rope. I intended to drown myself - but every time I approached the river, I would well up with tears.
A handful of people love me for some reason. I could not betray them.
I feel like a ghost now ~ now helpless before a God and society that will destroy me if I ever try to take up my own will ever again. Everything of the world feels poisonous and I am worth only the weight of laundry I can clean during the graveyard shift.
The striving I once felt seems pointless.
It feels like I don't know who I am.