I am still alive, I just hate blogging off my phone.
I've made it into an Oxford House, however the lease is up at the end of the month. I've been given the okay to get transferred to a nearby house where there is an opening, so at least there I have gaurenteed shelter for the foreseeable future.
My housing case manager gave me a call today and gave me a spiel about filing out an application to bring to the local Housing Authority so I could maybe be placed in an apartment. That would certainly be ideal. Group home living has really put me in some harsh predicaments in the past. I would hate to have another event.
The biggest stressor is the blocking for laundry and cooking. I timidly prep my meals in advance as to not be caught using the kitchen when someone needs it. I don't dirty up clothes nearly as much from when I worked on the farm...
It's just so awkward for me with so many people using the facilities with no knowledge of when anyone is going to use them.
There is also the unspoken pressure of not making any noise. That's quite an expectation given my musical sensibility.
An apartment of my own would be nice.
For now, I continue to live out of my car and bags in a desperate attempt to not offend. I stay away from the home for much of the day given my 50-60 hour work weeks.
Trying my best to behave and not have another panic attack. It was rough last week, but for some reason, I woke up on Monday when I intended to and because of that, I haven't felt so down.
I finally got some pencils so I could start drawing again. I've been working up to it but I have had an inexplicable anxiety of doing that for some reason. I think I am trying to escape that self judging voice that is so strong for me.
Thanks for reading! Toasts make me feel less alone.