high hopes
I had heard it said that an angry person is a hopeful person who consistently has their expectations crushed. Hence it is better to live without lofty expectations.
I expected far too much. In fact, I lived in an impossible fantasy. I lived a life of being angry with God for not delivering to me what I was thought I was due for all my striving. The culminated into a day of literal shouting at God - enough shouting that I lashed out at my roommates for calling the police.
Yet more charges for me.
I could continue to be spiteful - to think that this situation isn't fair. I could continue to blame others for my suffering. Technically I would be correct but I am done trying to be righteous.
I will probably never get others to understand the anxiety of autism. At this point, I feel like it is something I have to disclose, or else I will be taken as a totally wicked person. I am trying to not let every nuance get under my skin. I am trying not to act out. I can't act out anymore - it has led to my destruction. With every admission to a jail or psychward, it is running through my head "why can't these people see I'm autistic?" and I fantasize that they will eventually figure it out.
I accept where I am right now. I have to live differently in order to not be crushed by the misunderstanding of neurotypical people, therefore, I can not pose as someone normal. It all seems to finally make sense. Autism is suspected to be caused by early asphyxiation of the brain and I accidentally drank paint-thinner when I was an infant. Sometimes I think to myself "is this a conclusion I want in order to justify my behavior?"
Ultimately, I am looking for forgiveness. As of now, there is no one left to give me that forgiveness except myself and God. I have to believe that I can be forgiven or else I will continue to perish, continue to get angry at everything.
I came into the library to write this and found that the guy that bothered to press me about Jesus was teaching another. I just gave him a cigarette and now he wants to talk some more. I'll bounce for now so I can join him.
Hey look! Friend making!
:D