I cause all my own suffering. My life is punctuated by writhing periods of self-destruction after my trust is violated by the illogic of human behavior.
In turn, I release my own inhibitions and exhibit my own humanity. I strike back against perceived violations of trust. I do so selfishly, hoping that my apparent self-sabotage will strike an empathetic chord in the soul of my betrayer and that they will apologize, come to my rescue, and make amends.
Behold; an autistic temper tantrum. My internal film reel that never gets proof-read ended up manifesting in reality as the diametrically opposite plot-line.
It is a very manipulative behavior. It has worked in the past, but recently - no. It has not worked and now I am going to jail.
I've recently trespassed, harassed, and verbally assaulted people thinking that somebody would notice that something is wrong. There is, but their response is to call the police - not come to my aid or ask me why I am making a scene outside. I fantasized my desired outcome, thinking that it was definitely going to work and that my lover would come to my aid rather than marshal the authorities.
I just wanted to live without guilt or shame for who and what I am. I wanted this to be what he wanted.
This was not the case.
Back into the closet I go.
It is still very unsafe to be gay in the Tri-Cities.
I am putting the mask back on and shelling up in my private mind-fortress.
Hopefully, in a couple of months, after everything has stabilized, I will drop some glimmering nuggets of my soul via the internet; some art, some music...
...but I am not so sure about talking to anyone or going out to any gatherings for a while.
I hope all my readers feel safe and secure today. I have three more days until sentencing.